Saturday, December 5, 2009

The Whiffies 2009 - the few, the brave, the crap

Excellence is easy. "Everything in moderation, including moderation". See? A few well-chosen words and everyone's falling over themselves to salute your wit, to admire your perspicacity. With such positive stroking, why wouldn't you go on to churn out more pithy aphorisms and trenchant observations?

But to continue in the face of howls of derision? To persist in the face of near unanimity as to your crapitude? To keep at it when a lesser person would have walked out into the howling virtual wilderness and the cyber snow, never to return?

That, my friends, takes cojones. At the very least, it takes a special kind of stupid.

And with this in mind, we institute the inaugural Whiffies, the very worst of The Guardian's Comment Is Free in 2009. Columnists and columns, commenters and comments, campaigners and politicos who just plain stank the place up.

Worst Contributor
Campbell? Gold? MacShane? You tell us. This award is for consistent awfulness, above and beyond the call of the cheque.

Worst Article
A close fought affair, methinks. It may be the finest fetid flower of a rank columnist or a terrible aberration by an otherwise sane scribbler.

Worst Commenter
Go on. You know you want to. But tell us why.

Worst Comment
Uncalled for. Unconscionable. Ugly.

The Why Oh Why Oh Why? Award
Which article most left you asking 'what was the point of that'?

The Identity Politics Race For Victimhood Award
Fatties? Gingers? Sea kittens?

Least Fertile Field For Debate
I/P? MMGW? Some other collection of capital letters?

The 'Editorial Control? What Editorial Control?' Award
Also known as the Greatest Lapse in CiF judgement this year. What article should never have been written?

The Hatfield-McCoy Inter-Personal Spat Award
BTL-to-ATL hatefest or commenter-on-commenter violence; who's been zooming who, long after both parties have forgotten what the original beef was.

The Max Gogarty Worst BTL Savaging Award
Treatment that shouldn't be meted out anywhere outside of a South American interrogation room. But somehow they deserved it, and you enjoyed it.

And finally...

The Most Glaring Omission Award
What was screaming to be addressed this year on CiF but, for some reason known only to the CiF gods, wasn't.

You can give a nomination in just one or two categories, or call the whole slate. Or add your own. I'm easy. Especially after some cooking sherry. The only rule is: one nomination in each category and if there are honorable mentions to be made in a category, label them as such.

NB: This blog reserves the right to add, withdraw, augment and modify all categories and to chose winners at random due to lack of interest and votes.


  1. Hmm. Do I go with gut reactions on the theory that they best reflect my feelings or do I ponder? Gonna ponder, I think.

  2. MW, I'll keep voting open until about the 21st or 22nd and announce the winners the day after. There's plenty of time for cogitation and rumination.

    It also gives me the chance to create a number of fake commenter profiles and posts to give the illusion of interest. Tough work, this blogging.

  3. Eddie

    All good stuff old man, like MW I'll be having a ponder. And yes, blogging is a bastard, I gave up after a while, partly because I was boring myself and partly because, well, I couldn't be arsed, to be honest.

    The internet must be littered with the virtual tombstones of many a bright-eyed, keen, "I've got a point to make", wannabee writers who after a couple of goes thought "Ah fuck it, I'll just play a bit of GTAIV instead..."

  4. Some votes for Worst Contributor Of The Year:

    RapidEddie: Polly Toynbee

    HankScorpio: Geoffrey Alderman

    monkeyfish: Polly Toynbee

  5. Some votes for The Identity Politics Race For Victimhood Award:

    RapidEddie: Douglas Haddow's 'A red light to anti-ginger abuse'

    scherfig: Marianne Kirby's 'Too fat to fly'

  6. OK!

    Geoffrey Alderman for worst contributor of the year for his "Face to Face" with a Rabbi which involved him justifying the killing of Palestinian children as potential terrorists.

    BiteTheHand for the worst commentator of the year for his obsessive stalkerish behaviour and inability to post without attacking other posters.

    As a buxom lass myself with a red-headed child, I will go for the Too Fat to Fly article as being more egregiously victimologist of the two nominated, because the majority of podgies can do something about it if they want to, and whining that the world is not made to spec for their ample girth is a bit rich.

    Gingers, on the other hand, are born that way and I don't see why they should have to dye their hair just cos people are cupid stunts any more than black people should have to bleach their skin because people are racist cupid stunts. :o)